Merrill's Story

It's probably about time I told Merrill's birth story, given that she's more than a week old now :).

Um ... well, this is one of those blog posts that I started right after Merrill was born and never managed to finish between having a newborn and a 20 month old and moving across the country ... well you know.  But it's a post that I have never forgotten about and have always been intending to finish someday.  Given that Merrill is turning a year old today, I thought it would be the perfect day to celebrate the story of how she came to be a part of our little family.  So, here you go, the much delayed, much loved, story of Merrill...

I have to say, Merrill's birth was a near-perfect experience that left me feeling pure joy. I had such a high after this birth that I did not experience the first time around -- not because of the result, but because of the process. I couldn't have been happier with my experience with Millie given the necessity of a c-section, and I couldn't imagine a more perfect child to be blessed with, but as many people know, that wasn't the type of birth I was hoping for. The first time around, we planned, we took classes, we hired a doula, we did everything possible to make a natural birth happen. Well, everything but discuss it with Millie :). In the end, I got to experience a little bit of natural birth as I went into labor and my water broke.; but ultimately it was about as medicalized a birth as you can get.

This time around, there was much less planning, but still a strong desire to have a natural birth. A few weeks before my due date I started re-reading my books to refresh myself about signs and stages of labor, I panicked slightly about not having a doula lined up given I was going to try a VBAC, (I even looked up the woman we took our childbirth classes with the first time around -- only to find she had moved to Scotland, I took that as a sign that I didn't need to pursue that further!).  So, I just continued to read my books and to tell myself to trust my body.  It was a little unnerving that I had to sign a waiver to give natural birth given the risks associated with a VBAC.  Again, I had to keep telling myself to trust my body and nature and not to get pulled into the hype and fear that often comes from the medical world.  My Doctor knew I wanted to try for a natural birth and she was willing to help make that happen, however she was not going to let me go past my due date and I was going to be considered more of a high risk birth (which would mean more monitoring that I wanted).  When the week of my due date rolled around and I wasn't showing signs of progress, the doctor offered to help speed things up by stripping my membranes.  (Yes, that is as uncomfortable and unpleasant as it sounds -- in fact when I had it done, I was very distressed because I really couldn't tolerate the procedure and had to ask her to stop.  I was upset that it wasn't going to work and I was going to have to have it done again and I was afraid that was an indication that I wasn't going to handle the pain of labor well).  Fortunately, it did end up working.  Not immediately, but it did.

Just 2 days before Merrill was born, I posted that there wasn't much new on the baby front and I was obviously feeling a little worn out and ready for things to happen!  I'm pretty sure that was the day I saw the doctor.  Contractions started on Wednesday July 8th.  My parents were in town already and I was still working and waiting.  I think I felt a few random contractions while I was at school working, but they were mild and spread out.  I knew it wasn't time to go rushing to the hospital, but I also knew that things were happening for real.  At 7:26 p.m. the contractions were regular enough that I started timing them.  How do I know it was 7:26 p.m.?  Not because I have a fabulous memory or because the contractions were so memorable, no, I still have the notebook where I wrote down the times :).  I kind of treasure this random notebook page :).  By this time the contractions were more frequent and regular than they had been during the day, but they still weren't regular enough to be concerned with and they certainly weren't strong enough to bother me much.  So we went on with our regular nightly routine, with the knowledge that at some point in the night or morning we would be heading to the hospital.  It was a pretty nice feeling :). 

Now, because this was going to be a VBAC, my doctor advised me to go to the hospital when the contractions were 5-7 minutes apart.  Not wanting to labor sitting in a hospital bed hooked to machines, I was looking at that 5 minute mark rather than the 7 minute one.  The contractions contineud through the night and I was up a little after 1:00 a.m. timing them again -- this time they varied from 6-9 minutes apart.  I'm a very literal person, so I was really thinking that a time would come when all of my contractions would be 5 minutes apart and I wouldn't be seeing such a range.  I learned differently once we were at the hospital and the nurse was timing my contractions -- makes it very hard to know when you should go.  But, I still wasn't struggling with the contractions, wasn't uncomfortable, wasn't out of breath, and wasn't eager to get to the hospital ... so I went back to bed :).  I was up again a little before 4:00 a.m. and this time I knew we were getting close.  I timed the contractions for about an hour, and they were 4-6 minutes apart.  BUT, there were some that were 7-9 minutes apart --

The last few times I have written down:
4:51
4:56
5:01
5:05
5:09
5:15

I think that's about the time I had Scott call the Doctor.  This is where I wish I had written this post a year ago because the sequence of events is foggy now.  I know that at some point I woke Scott and my parents up just to let them know that while it wasn't time to go yet, it would be soon.  I also took a shower.  I'm not sure if that all happened before 5:15 or after.  I do know that once I had Scott call the Doctor it took the on-call Doctor so long to call back that we just left for the hospital anyway.  There came a point in the six o'clock hour when I knew it was time to leave and then briefly got a little anxious that maybe I had waited too long.  We were fortunate that early morning traffic wasn't too heavy yet.  Keep in mind that we were living in Connecticut and the route to the hospital just happened to be the same route that thousands of commuters took to get to work in N.Y. City or the Suburbs to the west/south of us so leaving much later could have been a very bad thing.  As it was, we arrived at the hospital a little before 7 a.m.

As with Millie, our entrance to the hospital was a very calm one.  I had requested the room with the jacuzzi (as before I had all kinds of plans on how to make this a "magical" birth -- and as before the baby had her own plans!) and it wasn't ready yet so they set us up in a different room until they could get the other cleaned.  I changed and got hooked up to the machines to be monitored.  Torture.  The contractions were defnitely significant now, but nothing terrible.  Even if I had considered getting an epidural, I wouldn't have asked for one at this point.  It turns out we got there between doctor shifts and the nurses weren't even sure which doctor was coming on call -- that wasn't very reassuring, but we went with the flow.  They monitored me for 45 minutes.  All I wanted to do was get up and walk around to help manage the pain.  And eventually I got to.  The jacuzzi room was ready, so they helped us move all of our stuff and then the nurse gave us a brief tour of the labor and delivery area (showing Scott where ice and drinks and snacks were, etc.) and walked us over to the nursery to see the other new babies as inspiration.  The nurse left us then and we started to stroll the halls ourselves.  I was happy to be up and walking but definitely had to stop now when the contractions came to get through them.  Then, my water broke.  Right there in the hallway.  Um, clean-up on aisle 5!  Slightly awkward and embarrassing, but at least I was in the right place and NOT in the grocery store! 

We stopped a nurse walking by and pointed out the mess and headed back to our room.  Of course they made me get hooked up to the machines again -- which I was NOT happy about.  There was pain now and sitting up in the bed was not comfortable at all.  I still hadn't seen a doctor yet and had not be examined, so I didn't know how far along I was or how long this was going to go on.  Turns out, I was probably in transition (which is the most painful part of labor .. and the beginning of the end).  So, I struggled to get comfortable through double contractions, and Scott did everything he could to help me.  I even asked the nurse about the shower/jacuzzi.  She was open to it and started the water running.  This was all around 8:00 or so.  Again, the time details are a little fuzzy a year later ... .

As the nurse was preparing the shower, the doctor FINALLY came in.  She checked me and was quite surprised to find that her VBAC was 8 cm dilated!  I don't think she was too happy about that -- turns out I had done most of the work laboring in the comfort of my own home (given that we had only been at the hospital for an hour) and I WAS happy about that!  Now more nurses started coming in and they started prepping for the birth.  They hadn't even had a chance to put an IV in me yet (standard procedure these days -- "just in case") and the poor nurse couldn't find a vein.  I was secretly very happy about that because I wasn't looking forward to being pumped full of unnessary fluids... .   I'm not going to lie, by this time there was real pain and I was doing everything I could to concentrate and just make it through each contraction all the while trying to figure out how I could finagle a better position.  The Doctor informed me that there was a "foresac" formed and that she could break it for me if I wanted to speed things up ('cause you know, they weren't happening fast enough).  I so desperately wanted to do this WHOLE birth on my own that I sat there trying to process what she was saying and weigh the pro's and con's of her breaking the sac for me.  Fortunately nature saved me and the sac broke the rest of the way on the next contraction -- and that was it.  It was time to push. 

By now it was around 8:40.  The doctor had been with me maybe 20 minutes.  I'm guessing this wasn't how she expected to start her day, but then again, in that line of business, it probably was!  Getting the pushing thing down was tough for me.  Again, I was trying to remember the advice our childbirth educator and the books we had read -- which meant I was trying to block out the nurse and Doctor.  They did not want to be blocked out though and I ended up breathing/pushing their way just to get them to stop talking to me.  The Doctor even came right up to my face at one point and said things would go a lot faster if I just did it their way (not quite in those words, but that was the gist).  Little did she know HOW fast things would happen... (That was one of very few complaints I had with the birth -- I wasn't allowed to find my own rhythm with pushing and listen to my own body).  I think I pushed about 5 times and at 8:55 little Miss Merrill Grace came into the world.  She came a lot faster than the Doctor anticipated and the cord was wrapped around her neck so all of a sudden I had people telling me to STOP pushing.  I did.  Happily.  And anxiously waited for that first cry.

And there she was with her shock of crazy brown hair -- that hair would become her signature.  She was absolutely perfect.  Unfortunately, because the cord was wrapped around her neck, her color was off and she didn't pinken up quite fast enough.  So, they had to take her away to NICU to observe her.  I was dismayed by this as I knew she would be fine if I could just hold her and nurse her (okay, that was my severely biased mommy opinion...).  Luckily Doctors were changing shifts and the pediatrician conceded and let me hold Merrill and nurse her while they got ready for her.  I was so happy to get to hold and snuggle her for a while and to actually nurse her right away (which is something I wasn't able to do with Millie since she was a c-section...).  To my great joy, Merrill latched right away and didn't have any trouble feeding.  I was sad when they finally said they had to take her, but I was comforted to know we had those first few minutes together.  Scott had the job of following Merrill wherever they took her and making sure that the hospital followed our wishes (no bottles, etc.) and he of course did an excellent job.  Ironically, I was away from Merrill longer than I was away from Millie after my c-section -- even though she was fine.  It think it was over 3 hours before they finally brought her to me in maternity.  And this time I wasn't drugged or parlyzed from the waste down.  I was wide-awake and full of energy with nothing to do but wait!

We were finally reunited of course and we've been together ever since.  Merrill fit seamlessly into our family and it has been such a blessing to have her.  I can't believe she's been with us for a year already, and I can't believe it took me this long to tell her story.  But there it is -- straight from my heart to your eyes :).  Happy Birthday Miss Merrill Grace!

Happy Birthday Merrill Grace!

Merrill Grace -- 1 year old

• is walking full time -- and attempting to run
• is a good eater in terms of the types of food she eats, but still does not eat a large quantity of "real" food
• has 5 teeth 
• LOVES her big sister and will follow her anywhere :)
• Loves everyone, but has a special place in her heart for her Grandpa
• loves her baby dolls and is a good mommy to them
• loves to pretend to cook 
• loves to play with the doll house
• loves to take baths
• LOVES music and dancing
• loves books
• says the following words (well, word approximations ...)
• hat
• hi
• bye
• duck
• water
• hello
• hot
• brush
• rock rock
• ball
• mama
• daddy
• Millie
• no (wonder where she learned this one...)
• hair
• shoes
• signs the following words (some approximations of the real thing, some her own made up signs)
• more
• milk
• water
• hat
• brush (hair)
• brush  (teeth)
• bubbles (blows)
• Knows where to find
• eyes
• nose
• belly button
• Roars like a lion
• Meows like a kitty (occasionally)
• Woofs like a dog
• is an absolute sweetheart
• is coming into her own and letting her opinions/wants/needs known (loudly)
• is ticklish
• gives great hugs and blows wonderful kisses
• LOVES to talk on the phone
• LOVES shoes and purses and all things girly
• likes to paint
• loves to be outside and feel the wind in her face
• pretend sleeps
• likes to blow other peoples noses
• wakes up with a smile
• brightens our every day :)

This One's for You, Leslie :)

My 32:

1. I have been reading Leslie's blog since she started it a couple of years back and through it I have grown to respect and admire her immensely and I rely on her for down-to-earth writing to gain a deeper perspective on mommyhood.  So, Happy Birthday Leslie, and thanks for sharing your life with us -- I believe you touch more people with your writing than you will ever know :).
2. I resisted the urge to post one  of these lists when they were were popular on Facebook.  I did write one, but I never posted it.  Being that open about myself isn't easy for me ... . 
3. I have already had to edit my sentences because they didn't start with "I" -- I apparently like to start my sentences with dependent clauses :).  
4. I like to write and am really coming to treasure this blog.  I've gone back and looked at my posts through the years and they are great reminders of who we were at a different time and how we have grown.  
5. I would like to do more writing here, but am a bit apprehensive of sharing that much of myself with others; so I fall back on sharing pictures and stories of the girls -- something I'm relatively certain I won't be judged or criticized for ...
6. (Oddly enough), *see, I did it again!* I kept a blog before the girls were born that was JUST about me.  I did not share that blog with anyone I knew well (except Scott).  I did not have trouble sharing on that blog -- somehow it felt much more anonymous and therefore safe.
7. I have attempted to restart that blog several times, but never seem to have the time for it.
8. I love being a mom.
9. I am still searching for my life "balance" as a mother and as an individual in my own right.
10. I went back to work, partly, in an attempt to find that balance -- I'm not sure that was the right answer.. at least not for that question :)
11. I have been told I have an "aura of calm" -- I'm not sure Millie would agree on nights when she has trouble falling asleep ;)
12. I am starting to see the joy and the horror (but mostly the joy) of having two girls so close in age.  The teenage years should be interesting!
13. I often suffer from analysis paralysis.  I can research something to the point where I just can't make a decision -- be it paint colors, eco-friendly brands to buy, ways to start a garden, which dishwasher to buy, where to send Millie to school... so I have to be careful not to overload myself with too much information.  It's the curse of being able to see all sides of an issue... . 
14. I (we) have made a decision on where to send Millie for preschool this fall.
15. I had a minor panic attack about that decision 2 days after we made it ... .
16. I am still apprehensive about sending Millie to school, but I'm pretty sure that's because I'll be sending her to school -- not because of where she will be going.
17. I feel as though technology (the Internet specifically) has made me a bit ADD -- I feel like my brain need constant stimulation in electronic form
18. I was able to (mostly) give up t.v. once Millie was born.  Right now I probably watch 4-5 hours a week and most of it is on DVD because we don't have cable and there isn't much good on t.v.!  I don't find that I really miss t.v. Perhaps my parents were on to something by not having cable when we were growing up... 
19. I would like to reduce my computer time as much as I have reduced my t.v. time.  It seems like such a necessity these days though -- it's replaced so many other activities (writing letters by hand, printing/editing photos, looking up ANYTHING, planning, journaling....)
20. I am a morning person and always have been.  Even in high school I would get up at 5 a.m. without any problem.  I've always enjoyed having that time to myself.
21. My quiet morning time is currently on hiatus thanks to the girls **again with the "I" ... at least "my" is a first person pronoun :)
22. I miss working out -- something I used to do in the early morning hours.  For a while there I did it at a somewhat insanely early hour, but I loved it!
23. I will get that part of my life back eventually .... right?!
24. I very often reflect on how lucky I was to find Scott.  He is an amazing man, husband and father.  Men like him are not easy to find. 
25. I do not handle change well.  Our move to Connecticut four years ago really threw me for a loop -- I don't think I've recovered yet (and of course I heaped even MORE change on top of things last year!)
26. I understand my mother a lot better now that I am a mom -- and I mean that in a good way.  It's one of those things that I'm sure every mom waits to hear :).
27. I was a horrible eater as a child.  I primarily ate "white" food.  Thanksgiving for me meant mashed potatoes (party potatoes), rolls, and stuffing.  Yes, turkey is white, but somehow it didn't make the cut. 
28. I grew up at some point in my 20's and decided that I should probably learn to eat more.  I now love vegetables and there are very few that I won't eat.
29. I am trying to raise my children so that they do not go through the same eating patterns that I did growing up -- I'm not sure I will be successful, Millie is already showing a strong preference for carbs, even though she started out so well with vegetables.  I'm still going to try though ;)
30. I want to be adventurous and try new things (like moving to a new part of the country), however, I've learned #25 ...  
31. I cannot believe my baby girl is going to be a year old in 2 days ... or that my other baby is going to be 3 in a few months.  Time moves way to fast when you grow up. I am determined to cherish every moment I have with my family (immediate and extended) because I know this is true ...
32. I think we are done having children and while this saddens me for many reasons, I really think it is the right thing for our family.

And there you have it.  My 32 things :). Head over to Leslie's blog to see my inspiration and feel free to share a list of your own either here or there.  I know it would make my day to learn more about those in my life and I'm pretty sure it would bring a smile to Leslie's face too :).

Happy Fourth!

It was a quiet one for us.  We started out day with our usual Saturday routine (bumped to Sunday thanks to the long weekend) of going to the grocery store and getting naps.  After lunch and more naps we headed back to Lainey and Grandpa's for more play time.  It was a hot and sticky day so the girls ran around in Grandpa's sprinkler system.  After cooling off we headed back inside for more play time, relaxation and visiting.  Grandpa grilled out and we topped our meal off with homemade strawberry ice cream (perhaps a new Fourth of July Ross Family tradition!).  We ended the night with a tubby and then headed home with two very tired girls.  We debated going to see fireworks, but decided they just start too late for the girls right now (most of the shows didn't start until 9:30 or later).  At this point sleep is our first priority -- even on the Fourth :).  Thanks to Lainey and Grandpa for hosting us all weekend and making such wonderful memories for us and the girls!

playing ball with Grandpa

(Nothing says Fourth of July like a tutu skirt :)!)

Millie had fun running around in the sprinkler system, Merrill preferred to watch :).

A little quiet time with Grandpa after playing hard outside

Just for fun :).  Why not encourage it right?!

Happy Fourth!

Everyone Loves a Parade

Especially Millie. We headed to downtown Webster Groves this morning for their July 4th parade with my parents despite some serious reservations (naps and bedtimes have not gone well the past few days and we were pretty worried going to the parade would continue that trend -- fortunately everything worked out OK :) ).  Everyone had a great time.  Millie said her favorite part was getting a necklace (beads) and Merrill was ready to walk right out and join the parade!  She liked the music the best I think.  The parade could have used some more marching bands, but I think there was some competition for talent from the Fair St. Louis downtown.  The girls were definitely tired by the time we got home and (thankfully) they took good naps.  After naps it was off to Lainey and Grandpa's for more fun!

Waiting for the fun to begin!

Here they come!

it's not a parade in St. Louis without the Clydesdales!

Parade watching is serious business.

but not that serious :)

The bubble bus was really cool!

Lainey and (half of ) Grandpa -- sorry Grandpa!

Packing up lunch to head home.

All tired out...

Summer Art

We hung our Summer Painting Series in the hallway this week.  We didn't quite get it up in time for the summer solstice, but we were close :).  As you can see, I only took creative lead on one of them this time!  Millie and Merrill did a lovely abstract painting of the sun, and Millie did a great interpretation of fireworks using her straw painting as the base.  Then we have our multimedia umbrella -- paper and glitter :).  Millie helped tear and cut the scraps of paper and glue them to the umbrella as well as sprinkle on the glitter.  One more season and we'll have a full year's gallery!

Shenanigans

We did some summer painting yesterday and I was smart enough to set the project up outside :).  Merrill is at the point where she does not want to be left out of ANYTHING anymore, so both girls got a canvas to express themselves on. 

Merrill went for the full body painting technique

Millie attempted some straw-painting, but it proved to be a little difficult.  The paint was really too thick and I didn't have any bowls to thin it out in, and Millie had a hard time not sucking in so I was afraid she was going to get a mouthful of paint!  It turned out to be a little stressful for both of us ;).  So ....

...she decided to get nakie and try out the Merrill Method.  Do not be fooled by this picture in which she is daintily using one finger to paint ...

She was not afraid to get messy!  She just preferred to use her body as her canvas -- nothing new there!

Merrill was not to be out-done in the body-art department

Getting hosed off just added to the fun!

The final products :)