Catch 22

I started writing this post a month ago and have been mulling it over for at least twice as long ... we'll see if I can make anything coherent of this...

The plight of mothers everywhere; to work or not to work.  For some the answer comes easy -- they know what they want to do and they do it without a look in the other direction.  No qualms, no worries, just pure confidence in what they are doing.  For some mothers.  I am not one of those mothers, nor do I know any of those mothers, but I believe they exist and to them I say "good for you!"  My internal debate of whether or not to work has nothing to do with the on-going emotionally charged external debate of whether or not mothers should work; who makes a better mother -- someone who works or someone who stays home; who is more of a woman, etc.  I don't have much to say about that debate except that I think the answer is different for every woman and every family and it's up to the rest of the world to respect each family's decision and appreciate that they are doing what they believe is best for them.  It's not up to me to judge otherwise. 

No, I'm not struggling with the critical voices of the masses -- I'm not even struggling with my own critical voices.  The struggle isn't about whether or not I'm a good mom, but whether or not this is the best arrangement for our family -- including me.  I think I'm a fine mother both when I'm at home and when I'm working -- but somehow that's not enough. 

I know I'm not alone in my constant wondering, and flip-flopping and indecision and wanting because Leslie blogged about this recently (though not THAT recently now) too. She blogged about it right at the peak of my own wonderings and internal debate.  I was grateful for her words and determined to get my own out.  Somehow it's taken me a month to sit down and start to type (ahem...).  For me, the decision isn't whether or not to return to work, but to leave work.  Again.  I was only a stay-at-home mom for 8 months.  Now I've been a working mother of 2 for about the same amount of time.  I have no doubt that the girls would be happy if I were home everyday -- and I truly believe it would actually be best for Millie's temperament.  She has always been a high need child with a strong attachment to me and I think she just feels more secure when she her fill of "mommy time."  And of course as a mother of two and a wife I worry about whether or not Merrill gets all the "mommy time" that she needs.  It can be hard to give everyone the "mommy time" they need when I'm gone for 9-10 hours four days a week.  It also makes it hard for me to justify any "me" time.  I was struggling to get enough "me" time when I was home with the girls last winter and when I did I always came home to at least one hysterical baby making it very difficult to justify being away from them.  Finding this balance is an important priority for me no matter what happens.

The catch.  Working grants us the financial flexibility to do more things for ourselves and for the girls but not the time.  Staying home affords us the time, but not the money. 

Part of me thinks that I rushed back into the work-world.  I was fueled partly by the desire to find that elusive "balance" and partly by the knowledge that we would want to send Millie to preschool soon and doing so would require extra income. But truthfully, I don't think there is a harder job than caring for a newborn and a toddler ... during the winter ... when your hormones are still WAY out of whack ;).  As happy as I was to have my two girls with me every day and as blessed as I am to have the girls I have, there were more dark days than I want to recall -- both literally and figuratively.  Since I spent 8 months doing the stay-at-home mom thing last fall/winter, I do have a better idea of what I need to do to be successful should I attempt it again.  I need to do a better job of having a schedule and using my time productively (which, to be fair, is difficult to do with a newborn), I need to find activities to do with the girls (that cost little or no money) and I need to absolutely carve out non-negotiable time for myself to pursue the things I'm passionate about (other than my lovely family) and to perhaps discover some new passions.  My fear is that these would be harder to accomplish than I think and I would find myself in the same position I was in last winter.  However I remind myself that I'm not the same person I was a year ago and neither are the girls.  I think we could do it this time around. 

Of course it's not that easy, because on the other side of things there is a job that I enjoy and families that I have grown attached to that I don't want to let down.  There's always a catch...