Happy New Year!

Oh, wait, what's that?  You say the New Year has come and gone and we're already solidly in the second month?  You say it's been several MONTHS since I've put anything substantial on this blog and you were pretty sure it was done?  You say you aren't even reading this right now because you stopped looking?  You want to know what my sorry excuse is and where all of the pictures of my children are?!  Oh.  Hmmmm.  Well, no excuses.  I mean there are certainly REASONS I haven't been blogging -- a part-time seasonal job for Washington University (that has just ended), a few cake/cookie jobs here and there, several rounds of various illnesses for various members of the family, the holidays, everyday life with three kids and a part-time babysitting job, irritation with inefficient photo-editing programs and a computer that can't keep up (in addition to a lack of any REAL knowledge of what I'm doing with said photo-editing software and computer), not to mention the monumental task of blogging after a lapse of more than a week (and how quickly a week snowballs into 3 months at this stage of life).I mean, where do I start?  What do I say?  Do I try to go back and chronicle everything that has happened in the past three months in order or do I just pick up here and cut my loses?  Does anyone really care?!?  As easy as it would be to just continue to let this little project of mine slide and mentally release myself from the guilt of not keeping it up and just move on, well, I just can't do that.  The PRIMARY reason I keep this blog is as a record of our life.  I love to take pictures of our family, but I am not a scrapbooker and in today's digital world, there are no photo prints to collect and put in photo albums.  I love to go back through the years and read past entries and look at the pictures and to share those with the kids.  I've had extended lapses in the past (though last year was the worst -- I had a long bout last winter without blogging (I blamed that one on the cold...lame, I know, but true) in addition to the recent dry spell and usually get back on track, but the fact that I keep having lapses tends to beg the question of whether I REALLY want to do this.  The answer is 'yes' but also 'it's complicated'.

There are all kinds of posts out there about WHY people blog -- my dear friend Leslie wrote one not too long ago as did Millie's teacher (who keeps a great educational blog about her classroom experiences), so I don't think I really need to rehash that here, but what I want to reflect on is the importance of authenticity in blogging to me.  If this is going to be a record of our lives, I'd like it to be a true record of our lives -- good, bad, and ugly.  I'd like it to be a place where I can reflect on parenting, kids, spouses, friends, life and just write.  A place where I can express gratitude, happiness, love, but also fear, sadness, frustrations, and struggles.  Essentially, I'd like it to be MORE than just a scrapbook of pictures of my darling children.  When I started this blog, I think it was that place for me.  A place to write and reflect, generally uncensored.  Over time and with the addition of children, that focus has changed.  And that change has made the blog feel less than authentic and I think THAT (even more than all the reasons listed above) has contributed to the drop-off of posts.  Just posting happy shiny pictures and fun events in our lives isn't all that satisfying as a writer.  It doesn't provide an emotional outlet for me.  Does a blog NEED to function in that way?  Of course not, but it seems that it's important to me.

The thing is, it's REALLY hard to be authentic in a public forum.  Which makes this blogging thing such a double-edged sword.  I mean, I could just write in a private journal and reflect on life, but then I wouldn't get the interaction from other people.  On the other hand, putting it all 'out there' is hard.  It's especially hard when your beliefs or practices don't line up with the people who are likely reading the blog.  All of a sudden you open yourself up to criticism and judgement -- you give people an excuse to talk about you or think they know you and your family.  For example I could write a BOOK on the struggles we've had over the years with sleep -- how tough it can be to co-sleep with three children and then transition them to sleeping on their own.  But I would hate for someone to confuse reflection on that struggle with an admittion (is that a word?) that we are doing/did something wrong.  EVERY family faces child rearing struggles in some form and expressing those struggles doesn't mean that the parents regret having children or regret their parenting choices, it just simply means it's hard sometimes -- no matter what parenting choices you've made.  Knowing though, that some of our parenting choices are very different than those of our family and friends makes it hard to make those struggles public.  It very much feels like I'd be setting myself up for a lot of  "I told you so's" or "well, duh, you shouldn't have done it that way's".  And that's not at all what I'm looking for.  While I definitely welcome and seek open discussion of issues, I'm not looking to be attacked or judged.  I'm looking to be heard and that's all.  I mean, isn't that what we all want?  I might ask for thoughts on issues, but I'm not looking for fixes.  I'm looking for a community of friends who can relate on some level.  I'm looking for a place to reflect on our lives in an authentic way.
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If I had picked a word for the new year (as many people in the blog-world seem to do), my word would be authenticity.  The reality is, this can be as authentic as I want it to be -- there is nothing stopping me from writing more.  And, let's face it, my audience isn't all that big ;).  This is a small, family blog used to document our lives.  From here on out, I'm going to make it just that -- you just might have to suffer through more long-winded, rambling posts now and then.  I'll throw in cute kid pictures too though -- no worries.

Happy New Year!