Stages

Merrill is going through a fabulous stage right now. I love this age.  I love watching her language development explode, her personality develop and her sweetness grow.  Scott and I comment on how fun she is almost daily and are always so eager to share her with anyone we can.  Unfortunately, I feel like I haven't been very good about documenting this wonderful stage.  I take lots of pictures still, and they show some of the story, but not all.  The problem is, that Merrill, like her sister, does not perform on demand :).  Every time I pull out the video camera she either gets too focused on getting the camera from me, or just plain refuses to be my monkey :D.  There is nothing better than walking in the door after a long day of work and being greeted by Merrill's squeals and jumps of joy.  And those squeals are not reserved for me -- she treats everyone in her family with an equal amount of love.  I think her favorite part of the day is when she and Millie are reunited after school/naps.  It is so warming to see her interact with Millie -- the way she follows her around, the way she insists on doing everything she does, the way Millie is the first person she goes to when she learns something new -- it's awesome. 

Three has brought a new stage for Millie as well.  One that is equally enjoyable.  She is brimming with love and affection these days.  She is so agreeable and willing to do what she is asked.  Her confidence and independence grows with every passing day.  I love to watch her pretend to be a mommy to her dolls and to Merrill and to see the loving touch she uses with them. I don't think I would classify Millie's "twos" as terrible, but her "threes" do appear to be bringing out a "softer" side.  I think she's growing into herself and finding her way and it's amazing to watch.  Her enthusiasm for life is infectious.  She doesn't walk much (she's always running, skipping, jumping, hopping, galloping, or dancing wherever she goes) and I hope that never changes -- I hope the world never breaks her beautiful spirit.  I hope she never has reason to walk through life rather than dance. I love having conversations with her these days -- whether they are about "real" things or they occur when we are pretending to be Peyton and Fifi (Millie has assigned alter egos to everyone in the family -- I happen to be Fifi, Scott is Luke and Merrill is LuLu).  I cherish our time together at night when I lay with her before she falls asleep and relish the mornings when I wake up to her smiling, giggling face. I've been enjoying doing our Christmas crafts with her this winter and am so impressed with her artistic prowess.  She is so intentional and deliberate with every color she chooses and every mark that she makes.  She is becoming a very responsible young girl and it's great to watch. 

As much as I am loving the stages that the girls are in, I'm a little sad about the stage that I have entered.  Actually, it's not so much the stage that I'm entering that saddens me, but the stage that I'm leaving.  I'm happy to enter the stage of mother to two beautiful little girls as Millie and Merrill leave toddlerhood.  What is harder to accept is leaving the stage of mother to a newborn.  My reluctance to let this stage go shows through whenever I talk about whether or not we are done having children.  I don't think I've been able to answer that question yet with out qualifying it with an "I think."  As in "I think we're done" or "I don't think we're going to have any more."  Scott and I have talked about this extensively and we feel very comfortable with the family we have and truly feel that it would not be in everyones best interest to add to it right now.  That's not to say that we wouldn't love another child should we be blessed with one, but it's not part of our plan. And it makes me sad.  It makes me sad to see all the pregnant women around me -- both friends and family and people in the community.  Sad might not be quite accurate, wistful might be more accurate.  It's hard to accept that I'll never experience pregnancy again, never experience childbirth again, never experience that initial bond with a tiny life that is completely dependent on me again.  A part of me would like to experience pregnancy again, not because I loved being pregnant so much but because I would like the chance to do it better, to make better choices.  I DID enjoy the process of childbirth -- which I know sounds like a big fat lie, but I got such a high from Merrill's natural childbirth that it's something a part of me would like to experience again.  And there is no doubt that I would love to experience the newborn stage again.  As endless as those first nights and weeks seem at the time, they are so fleeting yet so sweet.  They are hard to fully cherish though because you are so exhausted that life just turns into a bit of a blur and next thing you know your newborn is an infant and then a toddler and then a child.  I am so excited to see what lies ahead for us and to see how Millie and Merrill continue to develop, but sad to know that they are never going to be my little babies again.

My sadness comes not just from what I'm letting go, but also the admission that comes with no longer having babies that my own youth is quickly passing.  If I were five years younger, we might consider having more children.  But, I'm not.  I can't just keep having babies as if I've got all the time in the world to raise them and be the mother that I would want to be.  That means I'm headed into a new stage of development myself and I'm not sure what that means for me or where that will lead me which makes me a little nervous.  That realization also puts a new perspective on things -- it puts an endpoint not only on this stage of my life that I can see, but makes it just a little bit easier to see THE endpoint.  Is this how mid-life crises start?  My plan right now is to enjoy the stages that we are all in and be ready for whatever this next stage has in store for me.  My hope is that it is filled with growth beyond anything I've experienced in life so far.