LISTEN TO THE MUSTN'TS
Listen to the MUSTN'TS, child,
Listen to the DON'TS
Listen to the SHOULDN'TS
The IMPOSSIBLES, the WON'TS
Listen to the NEVER HAVES
Then listen close to me --
Anything can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be.
Shel Silverstein, Where the Sidewalk Ends
This is one of my favorite poems from my adolescence. It instills hope and even assurance that no matter what the world says or thinks, who we are and who we become is completely up to us. As I've grown, I've become a firm believer in choice over fate. I have come to "own" everything in my life as a choice -- good and bad. It's not an easy thing to do. It's much easier to fall into the trap of "I don't want to do X, but I have to" or to feel self pity because I "can't" do something. For example "ugh, I HAVE to go to gym today." Nope, I CHOOSE to go to the gym today. or "We can't go out to dinner tonight because it costs too much money." Nope, we CHOOSE not to go to dinner because we value financial stability more than we value a dinner out. It's a choice. We COULD go to dinner. There may be undesirable consequences to doing so, but we could. There is always a choice. We chose to live where we live because we value the community, even though doing so means that we chose to give up things like cable t.v. and the latest gadgets.
In some ways, this was a scary revelation to come to because there is no one to blame for things I may be discontented with in life. Not happy with my weight? It would be much easier to say "I can't go to the gym because of the girls" and "I don't have time to cook nutritious meals," taking the responsibility for my health out of my hands. But those statements aren't true -- what may have been true was that I valued other needs more than the need to be healthy at given times in my life. And that's okay as long as I recognize that I was making a choice. Not working outside of the home was a choice -- not a necessity. And that choice has allowed me to chose other needs to focus on (like working out and cooking nutritiously). Could I have chosen to both work AND workout AND cook nutritiously, yes, but then I would have been valuing those things over my family and I've never been willing to make that choice. But it was always a choice -- I was not "forced" to put my own needs on hold. Now, I kinda love that there is always a choice and that I have the freedom to make it. Could my choices lead to "mistakes"? Sure, but then I'll just make a new choice.
I believe that this extends to the way I feel as well as the "life" decisions I make. I choose to interpret a situation one way or the other -- that interpretation then leads to an emotion or feeling. Had I chosen to look at the situation differently, perhaps through the eyes of the person I was interacting with, the resulting interpretation and therefore emotions may have been different. If I look at the behavior of one of the girls and interpret it as "rude," I may get embarrassed and angry. However, if I take the time to look beyond the behavior and see the need behind the behavior, I'm likely to feel empathy with the girls and try to fulfill that need rather than get angry.
Empathy. Identifying or vicariously experiencing the thoughts, feelings or attitudes of others. We all have it -- we all feel sad when we see someone else hurting deeply or feel joyful when a close friend or relative achieves a personal goal. But I think it's much harder to have in the little daily moments of life. It's hard to identify the feelings behind a screaming fit in the middle of the store when your own feelings are so heightened. I think one reason this is true is because of the language we use to talk to ourselves and those around us. I think that maybe it's not just the "mustn'ts" and "don'ts" and "shouldn'ts" that can hold us back, but the "shoulds," the "musts," the "need to's" and the "ought to's."
Think about the feelings that arise when you say to yourself "I should get up tomorrow morning and go to the gym." Do the words inspire and motivate you? Or do they bring you down and conjure up feelings of guilt about all the things you "should" be doing better in your life? Do you end up going to the gym or burrowing under the covers for another hour? It's the latter for me. Now think about the feelings that arise when someone ELSE tells you what you should be doing. Are your needs for autonomy, respect, acceptance and choice met or do you feel aggravated, perturbed, and resentful? Perhaps also a little guilty and self-conscious as well? Again, it's the latter for me.
"The word should is even more dangerous. When you use the word should --
and any of its forms including must, need to, and ought to -- you are actually
saying I know what's best for you, and without checking in with you to see
what you think and feel about it, I'm going to tell you what to do. There is
nothing that triggers a child's (person's) distress faster than a parent's (other
person's) demands. When your kids (you) hear demands or commands, fear
anxiety are stimulated, the reasoning centers of the brain shut down, and they go
into fight, flight or freeze mode."
Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids, Victoria Kindle Hodson and Sura Hart
I can think of MANY times when I have shut down hearing the word "should" either from myself or others and can see where my saying it to the girls has likely caused some shutdowns on their part as well. So, after reading the book quoted above as well as two of Marshall B. Resenberg's, books on the use of nonviolent communication in both our interactions with the adults in our lives as well as with our children, I've been attempting to eliminate "should" and "need to" from both my thoughts about my own actions and my requests of others (because the use of those words turns what I intend to be requests into demands that do not respect the other person's right to make a choice -- even if it is a choice I do not agree with...).
Sounds like an easy task, right? WRONG! I cannot believe the number of times I utter the words "need to" in a day. Now that it's at the forefront of my consciousness I'm constantly tripping over my words when I'm asking the girls to do something -- trying to re-frame it into a request for helping me meet my needs: "I would like you to..." or honoring their right to make a choice: "would you be willing to." I'm trying equally hard to change the language in my head -- reminding myself that I don't NEED to do anything. I WANT to do things. I don't NEED to go to the gym, I WANT to because I value movement and exercise. I don't NEED to go to bed, but I WANT to because I value being rested. It all goes back to making choices, owning those choices and using a language that reflects that.
I don't know if changing my language will make a dramatic change in the way I interact with my children and everyone else in my life. I'd like to think I have a good connection with my children already -- that I am able to empathize with them. Yet it is pretty obvious that my words do not always reflect that empathy and that down the road when they are older making connections is just going to get harder. So, I'm going to continue learning and reading about nonviolent communication and trying to practice it in my daily life -- both to others and myself -- to get in touch with the feelings behind the behaviors before reacting, avoiding judgements, labeling and blaming in favor of respect and empathy. If you are so inclined, I highly recommend Marshall Rosenberg's writings. They may be a little too touchy-feely for some, but if you've made it this far through this post, you just might enjoy them :).
And if the next time we talk my words seem slow to come, or stilted, or jumbled -- well, just know I'm trying to find the best way to express my empathy for what you may be feeling, good or bad and to make requests of you in a respectful way that doesn't demand that you agree with me. Would you be willing to show me some empathy and understanding as I do so? I would greatly appreciate it :).
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